An exposé on the art of snow warfare

Having gone no longer than a week with solid snow-cover, it is fair to say this winter has been lackluster at best. Many students are yearning for a day of snow-frolicking fun, with sledding, snowman-building and, of course, a snowball fight. But in the absence of snow our “snowfare” techniques have gotten rusty. This guide is meant to prepare MHS for that big snow deluge and subsequent neighborhood brawl sure to occur in the next few weeks (or a zombie apocalypse, whichever comes first).

            The first and perhaps most important area of snow warfare is fort building. For some, the construction of their snow fortress takes precedent over the battle itself.  Some build up and around with haphazard snow blocks, while others tunnel into snow mounds for a classic igloo feel. I have found that the most effective strategy is to emulate the soldiers of WWI and work downward. Digging a small trench to grass-level is the quickest way to create walls and all-around coverage. To avoid attacks from above, I suggest tunneling a bit into a sidewall to form your own little bomb shelter.

            As for ammunition, everyone knows the best snowballs need to be tightly shaped. But true winter warriors know it is naïve to craft each snowball by hand. Cutting-edge technology like the Sagebrush Sno-Baller can whip out dozens of perfectly packed projectiles in nanoseconds.  Still, some like to spend hours compressing their spheres in search of the legendary Iceball. Personally, I think striving for this dream is a lost mission. Finally, there are some guerilla fighters out there who think it is “okay” to conceal rocks within their snowballs, but unless you’re playing prison rules this tactic is really bad form.

            Now Minnetonka High School, I hope you have your best water-resistant mittens ready, and your new Sno-Ballers waiting in the arms, because this long wait means the eventual snow war is going to be that much more cataclysmic.