The polls are closed and the votes are in- the Workers’ Party of Korea under Kim Jong Un will reign for the next 5 years lifetime! At this first legislative election, 100% of all eligible balloters turned out, and, unsurprisingly, the only existing political party managed to receive 100% of these votes.

Being selected as an eligible voter is exciting. Voting is an event that only occurs every five years, which is around 13 times in one life time if you happen to make it to the ripe old age of 68 (the life expectancy in North Korea).

Many voters said they decided to cast their ballots because the Workers’ Party had a solid platform that has been described as “unknown,” and because Kim Jong Un introduced them to luxuries such as pizza and denim jeans, but fear of death was a pretty big factor.

“I think people were eager to exercise their civic duty, although every aspect of life here is civic duty” reported a lifelong friend of Kim Jong Un. “I mean, even though we’d torture and maybe execute three generations of their family if they even considered not showing up.”

“With such a broad swath of candidates, it was tough,” offered one citizen about the 1- party ballot, “but I think I made the right decision sticking to the status quo.”

Another voter told us, “America must be envious, having only about 60% voter turn out. Maybe if your Dear Leader Obama followed North Korea’s example a little more closely, you guys could become a nation at least half as glorious as ours.”

When we asked other North Koreans about American voter turn outs, they weren’t quite sure what America was. “Is that some sort of pasta dish?” they asked. “I’ve heard about this thing you people call ‘food.’ Is it any good?”

Now, how did Minnetonka Breezes get the great privilege of reporting on the North Korean elections? Well we here at Breezes have little concern for this thing other journalists called “not wanting to be imprisoned for a lifetime” and “a desire to live.”